New Jersey Crazy Is a Special Kind of Crazy.

Tomorrow is Election Day, and New Jersey is actually one of the few states that people are giving a crap about this year. We are one of two states (Virginia being the other) with a gubernatorial election going on. Obama and Biden have visited the garden state quite frequently lately.

(Side note: My computer did not recognize the word “Obama” just now, and suggested that I replace it with “Osama.”)

Every candidate had to write a personal statement of 500 words that went out on the sample ballots we received last week. I read through them all, and let me say…there are some bat shit crazy people running for governor of New Jersey. The democratic and republican statements are at least coherent, make sense, and have no grammatical or typographical errors. The others? Not so much.

I’ll just give you the highlights, but I’d really like to see how many people actually cast their votes for these lunatics. You might not think people would support them, but as my stepdad said…”this is probably how Schwarzenegger ended up governor of California.”

Gregory Pason, Socialist: Supports raising the minimum wage from $7.25 to $15 an hour. Rejects “No Child Left Behind” mandates, despite the fact that it’s federally mandated and has nothing to do with state law.

Kenneth Kaplan, Libertarian: Wants to legalize marijuana, but is in favor of school vouchers. Recommends a website for you to take a quiz on which political party you belong to…because “you may have been a Libertarian all along!”

Alvin Lindsay, Independent: Wants to freeze taxes for the next four years, and increase the minimum wage to $10 an hour.

Gary T. Steele, Independent: Counts his six years as an accountant and his time as head coach of an ice hockey team as valid experience.

Jason Cullen, “People not Politics:” Wants to eliminate sales tax.

Gary Stein, JUST IN TIME: Calls himself an “idiot,” says “up theirs” to the “elite media.” Wants to give illegal immigrants driver’s licenses, and boycott Mexico. All in a plan to get illegals to stop coming. Also might want to eliminate the department of education. His is the most incoherent of them all, so I’m not exactly sure what he was trying to say. But it’s all kinds of crazy rambling.

Kostas Petris, Independent “For The People:” If you’re going to talk about not voting democrat or republican, don’t quote the part of the declaration of independence about abolishing government. Just saying.

David R. Meiswinkle, Middle Class Empowerment: Wants to conduct a “complete, thorough, and objective investigation of what happened” on 9/11.

Christopher J. Daggett, Independent: No wonder this guy came to the debates; he’s the only independent that doesn’t sound like he’ll put on a tinfoil hat any time soon.

Joshua Leinsdorf, Fair Election Party: Lieutenant Governor running mate owner of “Ultimate Car Care in Neptune.” Believes that the state economy will be fixed by making high schoolers take public buses to school, and starting school at a “reasonable hour.” (Never mind that school starts early because most parents go to work by nine.) By having high schoolers take public transit, you fight childhood obesity, and save enough money to buy each child a laptop. Kids with computers excel in school, and they will succeed and get jobs later on, which leads to paying more taxes. Oh, and he wants to get rid of county government entirely, among other things.

Happy voting, everybody!